Words have always meant a great deal to me. I write down quotes daily. I repeat mantras to myself. I choose words to focus on to help keep perspective. But I cannot seem to find the word I am looking for now in my life.
Four days ago my life took a completely different direction than the original plan. This detour wasn’t a complete shock, but surprising still. To be completely honest, I feel a little lost on this new path. It is an amazing new direction and I am beyond thankful for the change. But it is a direction I wasn’t expecting to take. It’s a scary direction because it is new and unknown and a little unstable.
I am now officially a SAHM. My only career path right now is to be a mom. And yes, I will repeatedly say that I am beyond grateful for this job entrusted to me. I truly am grateful. But I am not sure I am truly qualified. My resume looks a little dull in comparison to the other candidates.
I have no idea what I am doing in life right now in regards to my career. I might be on pause as a teacher for a year or five. I may never work in a traditional classroom again. I just don’t know.
I realize life is full of unknowns. But this unknown is a little different for me. This is an unknown I chose to make. I actively and purposefully walked away from a career I not only enjoyed,but was extremely proud to be a part of. Teaching filled a need within my soul. I was able to help. Create. Communicate. Engage. Sharing my passion with others was soul filling.
That’s the hardest part of all of this, because I really did love my job. Making peace with a decision I made is a struggle. I am still letting the change sink in. It’s still very fresh, which is why I think I am still so confused about my life.
I have been using a lot of similar phrases lately: starting a new chapter in life; finding my new normal; balancing my life; slowing life down; focusing on happiness. None of these words or phrases have stuck as to what I feel my new focus should and will be.
I am guessing it is hard to commit to a word right now for a few reasons, the main one being that I am confused; confused on what this new, normal, happy, balanced chapter will look like for me and Owen. I will continue sitting with these feelings and searching. Searching for the word that makes me feel good inside and out. The word that encompasses everything I am feeling and everything I want to accomplish in this current phase of life. The word that makes Owen and I smile on good days and bad days.
I’m also open to suggestion. I believe one of the best parts of life is collaborating and communicating. So if you have a word that fits, by all means please share. Maybe I will find a new word or phrase for this new chapter. But in the mean time I will enjoy the search for the just-right word.