Scribbles in a journal or notes on my phone. Words and sentences that are incomplete, scattered and confused. This is what writing as a mom looks like. Wondering what the point of writing at all is when it seems pointless.
I tend to write the most during my son’s naptime. But I am realizing that I need to make a change in when and how I write. I literally crave sitting by a computer to get the words out of me. I get thoughts throughout the day and would love to develop them more. But then Owen wakes up.
A few days ago, I started a post similar to this idea on my phone. It did not get finished because he woke up 30 minutes after going to sleep. My thoughts feel jumbled and rushed. I desperately need a new routine. A routine in which I can get my writing fix and not be resentful when my child doesn’t nap well.
Today I walked to the car and left. Not forever, of course. But for an hour of me time. It was glorious. I felt like a real writer. I had my journal, pen and laptop and I was ready to go. But as I sat at the Starbucks typing away, I am not sure I got the release I was looking for. The realease of words I so desperately crave.
I keep equating writing to exercise. A rush of endorphins that is good for mind, body and soul. But like exercise, I struggle to find the time in the day to get it done. And like exercise, I easily push writing to the side and wonder what’s the point- if I am only able to do it every once in awhile, will it really make a difference?
The point is it does make a difference, for me and for others. I have had a handful of people tell me that they enjoy reading my writing. Some of those people have even gone as far to say that it inspires them. So i will continue to write, for me and for them.
I believe my purpose in life is to show love and spread love. Love helps make the world a kinder and gentler place. Love is at the top of my life’s flow chart. Below it is kindness, patience, generosity, and acceptance. If my writing makes someone feel good or inspires them to do good then it is worth doing. If it makes them feel loved, then I have done what I am here to do.
So I will continue to write, if only for the reason that I want to show others love. I want to share with people. Learn from them. Appreciate the people in this world. Words help me appreciate. They remind me to slow down and be still. I have a feeling that I am going to need to become an early riser to accomplish my writing goals. I am also sure I will continue to struggle to find the right words and get frustrated at times. But I believe I will also have the moments I am craving, those of love, connection and inspiration. So that’s the point of my writing. And when I am lost and doubting, I will come back to these words and remember my original point- I write for love.