Sometimes I wish I could put a physical feeling into words. You know that feeling of just pure and genuine acceptance, that feeling of pure comfort and love? For me, its when I can sigh with contentment that I am in a safe place with safe people. It is when I stop over-thinking and start being present. It is being with people that will make me feel good about who I am, not who I want to be. I yearn for that feeling daily. I surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, those that simply say with or without words that it is okay to be me. I learned from an early age that a big part of who I am is someone who needs constant reassurance.
I still struggle with reassuring myself that I am ok. I struggle to reassure myself that I am enough. I get better at talking to myself with kind words, but I still have off days. There are the days where I do not feel as lovable or well liked. There are the days where I feel a little more alone than usual. But Owen has helped to change that for me. When I need the most reassurance I just look down.
When I look down, I see my son. And I see that he is my sweet spot of reassurance. That baby boy is all I need to remember that I am more than enough, for him and for me.
I am learning as a mom that a big part of my job description is reassurance. My son needs me to reassure him that he is loved. He needs reassurance that he is safe when climbing the stairs or meeting someone new for the first time. He needs to know that he can explore this world with a safety net under him. As parents, we are his real life security blanket.
This morning, a friend and I were talking about my son’s upcoming birthday. I was telling her how hard birthdays are for me because I overanalyze and tend to easily get my feelings hurt. And I told her how much I wanted to change this about me. I told her how I wanted to be the type of person where birthdays can simply be celebrated without the fear of getting hurt.
But instead of agreeing with my desire to change, this friend reassured me there is a reason why I feel this way. She reminded me to accept who I am and acknowledge it. My friend helped remind me that is okay to be extra sensitive about birthdays. Being sensitive is just a part of me. She reassured me that who I am is good enough.
I am finding that through my insecurities, some of my greatest gifts arise. I am a really good friend for birthdays because I work extra hard to show up for people. Since birthdays are such a big deal to me, I prioritize them for the people in my life. My friend found the words I needed to hear to remind me of all of this. She became my real life security blanket, just like I do for my son.
Reassurance is a balancing act. I have had to work on being too needy vs. telling myself whatever I am worried about doesn’t bother me when it really does. If I am told something too much, it is not as meaningful. But if I am told something too little, then I doubt it.
I am realizing the one statement that is the most reassuring of all is simple: be myself.
I know that each day I am a different version of myself. And in each new version of me, I am more than likely going to continue to crave and need reassurance. My son is going to feel the same way as he encounters new obstacles growing up. And I know as his momma, I will work to find his sweet spot of reassurance. The just right amount of telling him that he is enough.
It’s funny because without talking, my baby boy reassures me every day. His grip on my hand and heart remind me that he is here, ready and more than willing to love me as I am. And the fact that I get to be the one to reassure him of his love and safety in this world is one of the true sweet spots of motherhood.