Sometimes I think of Time as a person. A person that I have loved deeply when I have had those time of my life moments. But mostly, Time is that person that I miss so much it hurts. Time is what I want more of but just cannot seem to have.
Time and I have been in a battle for, well, a long time. Time always seems to win. When I was little, there was never enough time to see my friends, stay up late, or do whatever it was that my parents didn’t want me doing at that moment. I have come full circle and realized as an adult I pretty much feel the same.
Time causes me stress; it causes me to feel rushed, out of sorts and completely out of control of my life.
The thing is, I know we need Time to function. Without Time, life would be even more chaotic. But why I am I always in such a battle with time? Why do I wake up feeling like there are never enough hours in the day or not enough moments to simply be still?
I am not so sure that it is Time’s fault anymore. I am not sure it ever was. If I look deep enough, I realize it has been a battle with me, myself and I. Time was simply the excuse.
My goal this summer has been to be on time to life. As an adult, my lateness has gotten out of control. I am constantly running late. Talk about feeling stressed. I almost never enjoy the first few moments of wherever I am going because I am making an excuse for why I am late or I am adjusting after my sprint from the car to where I am supposed to be.
I have figured out I try and cram too much in to a time slot. So I am working on slowing down. I am working on prioritizing which events and items on my to-do list are a must, and which ones can wait until a more convenient time. My strategy seems to be slowly working.
But Time and I are still not getting along well. Because now I seem to have more time to be with my son. I have more time to see friends and focus on being still (or as still as I can be with an almost 1 year old).
But now, instead of stealing my break time, my time with my son, or time for me, Time has stolen my husband. In our average 105 hour awake time during a 7 day week, my husband and I see each other 15 of those hours right now. 15 hours out of 105 hours. When I look at the numbers it is baffling to me. Baffling that we are living this way. Heartbreaking that we cannot have the time we so desperately want and need together as a family.
But then I remember that it is not Time’s fault again. I remember it is not my husband’s fault either. No one is to blame here. It is simply the way it is, for now. And that is the funniest thing about Time, is that it changes. That is actually Time’s sole purpose in life: to change.
During our current season of life, my husband works a lot. And he works hard. And he is missing time with his family. So of course, I start to blame Time again. But like my prioritizing strategy, I am finding a new strategy to deal with this ache of wanting more time.
The strategy is one I know and love well, but forget to implement. It is a strategy that is simple, but so much easier said than done.
My strategy is simply this: Be thankful for my present situation, make peace with Time, and hope for a better future.
Sometimes I wish my strategy included a Back to the Future car or an invention to add more time to the day. But I know that thankfulness, peace and hope are the better solutions. I just have to remind myself of them. I need a reminder daily, and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute. There’s that Time thing again.
I have never actually thought of Time as my friend. Not until today, when I realized that Time is not to blame.