“Hope is the Thing With Feathers” 

I am not even sure how to begin to write this. But I know if I get the words out of me, healing will begin.  Writing and words are some of the very best healers.

My soul is shattered, aching and gasping for breath. I need hope for my new life; so I write. 

I share my story I never thought I would have to write. I share it for me as I begin to figure out how to heal. And I share it for you. I share it for my son, my family, my friends, for strangers and for our beautiful but broken world.  I share it because I know that being vulnerable and transparent is who I am. It is who I am proud of being. Being vulnerable is who I want to continue to be.

I want to be clear: I do not share my story for blame or anger. There are an infinite amount of words inside me that are begging to be released. But these words are begging from a place of raw tenderness and love, trust and hope that the world is still a good and honest place. Trust that I will somehow continue to contribute love to this beautifully broken world.

And maybe one day my story will help someone else heal too. Deep down, I do believe I will heal. I believe I am guaranteed to heal because of my son.  My innocent, beautiful baby boy that doesn’t even know his world is shaken. The sweet, loving soul that is sleeping in the next room innocent of the hurt his parents are going through. He sees his momma’s tears and he is confused. But he doesn’t know why. But then, then he sees his momma stand back up and fight. Fight hard, for him most importantly. But also fight for whatever is coming next. He sees his momma’s strength through pain.

For the rest of my forever, June 22 will never be just June 22.  It will forever be the day my husband  asked for a divorce.

How did I even just write that? How is it possible that this is even happening to me? You hear stories every single day and you think, “That won’t happen to me. We are stronger than that”. But then it does happen. It happened to me and my baby. It happened to my husband. And then everything changes.

So how do I begin to heal? Right now, I heal through hope. I heal through my family and friends. I heal through the kindness of strangers. I heal through love, even though love hurts quite a bit right now. I heal through God. But most importantly, I heal through the strength within me I did not know I had. The strength I will have for me, and for my son.

“Hope is the thing with feathers-

that perches in the soul –

and sings the tune without the words-

and NEVER stops at all”— Emily Dickinson 

I have to believe that there is hope as I begin my healing.  Hope that whatever happens is manageable for everyone. Hope that happiness is eventually found for our family, whatever that new form of family and happiness might look like.

And I have deep hope, hope that I can dig to my core and find  the bottom of this pain-filled hole and begin to heal. I have to believe that light will find me again at the bottom of the hole. And I want to believe that the light at the bottom is what will eventually carry me back to love.

  

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11 thoughts on ““Hope is the Thing With Feathers” 

  1. My heart breaks for you. And for Owen. We were strangers that met for a reason. I wasn’t sure why God chose for us to become instasista’s, but he did. Now I know. You my friend are a beautiful lady, an amazing writer, a caring teacher and the best mother. You are so much more than many of us walking this earth. I’ve learned all this through reading what you’ve posted and observing from afar.
    Lift you head up high and be all that you are. Stay strong and remember God loves you.

    Your friend,
    Susan
    HCC29

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh sweet Meagan, I am so surprised and sorry on so many levels to hear this sad, sad news. If there is anything I can do to help you, don’t hesitate to let me know. I can watch Owen, bring you a meal, or just sit quietly with you. You have my number. I love my PAGE gals! I will be calling soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Meagan I am so moved that you are writing about hope at this difficult time. You do have the inner strength and connection with God and with love to be able to move forward. There is a natural grief process, but you are right—there is light on the other side. My life has shown me that in spades. We all love you and wish we could do anything to take away the pain, but going thru it is the way forward. We are here for you!!

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  4. This is beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. I so wish for you and Owen that you did not have to write this or the many hard pieces like it that will come after June 22, but you are incredibly strong and you will come out a better person for having been able to use your writing as a therapy and a comfort. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Meagan.

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  5. Dear dear Meagan. I am so sorry. I must confess that I noticed one day last week I guess, maybe at church, I don’t remember, that you looked like something was wrong. Like beyond just regular I’m-having-a-bad-day wrong. I wanted to ask if you were ok but because we really don’t know each other very well yet I guess I didn’t feel “qualified” to ask you something so prying. I should’ve asked anyway. I’m sorry. Because I would’ve been happy to listen. Or just give you a hug and you not have to say anything. Because I like you and I’ve enjoyed the short time we have spent together. I hope we can be better friends from this point forward. And if you ever need anything and I can help, please know that I will. Big hugs to you and Owen, lots of love, and prayers.

    Jennifer Henderson

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  6. Would love for you to post your story. I know it’s painful but I want to hear the story of what went wrong. I know two people carry their stories and versions but what can you teach us about marriage and divorce. Thank you for your honesty in your blog. That’s admirable.

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