Soul searching is inevitable when life throws you a curve ball. Once you recover from the sting of the hit, there is a constant throb as your pain begins to heal. I guess the hope is that the throbbing will slowly become a dull ache, and then simply a scar.
The problem with all of this is, as you heal, that it’s possible and even likely that pain will show up in different forms. Even when we heal from one type of pain, the scars from other hurts are still on our hearts and some still ache while healing.
Human beings are such complex individuals. There is so much we don’t know about our physical and emotional selves, even when we think we know ourselves well.
But I do know this about me. I am the person that feels intensely. I feel everything I am feeling, amplified. It took me a long time, but I am finally at peace with my tender and emotional heart. I love this heart of mine. I was designed this way for a reason.
Because I feel so intensely, sometimes it’s hard to see any emotion but the one I am currently feeling. But, what I am learning through this current life experience is that we are designed and intended to feel a variety of emotions throughout the day.
Pain and hurt are my every day emotions right now. And that’s ok. I have accepted that and am working through those emotions. I have a feeling they will be hanging around for awhile, no matter what happens.
However, I am finding that there is true beauty in my pain. Raw and vulnerable hurt and pain are ironically, some of the most beautiful emotions. Beauty shows up because deep down, somewhere, we all believe we won’t feel this way forever. Even though some days it feels never ending, there is beauty in the healing process.
And there is so much beauty in the hurt. Because it means that there was something so wonderful, so loving, that it hurts so fiercely when it has been taken away. And that is unbelievably beautiful.
When my son bumps his head he hurts and cries. My job as a mom is to comfort him. Through his pain, he finds comfort and beauty in my love. Life is doing the same for me right now. Every morning I wake up and when reality hits, it’s like I have bumped my head all over again.
But life reminds me that it is beautiful. After I recover from the initial bump of the day, I pray. Then I go find my son and soak in his smile. And we start our day filled with life and filled with emotions.
Most days, I am working hard to find the beauty. I am working hard to trust God and myself. But Together, we’ve got this. In my core, I believe that no matter what the outcome, there will still be both beauty and pain in the world. No matter how deep my scar, I will eventually heal. And it will be beautiful.