I still had hope. Hope that hearts would change and time would heal the wounds. But then, today, today the papers came. The papers that said my marriage was irreconcilable. My marriage came down to the meaning of one word: “representing findings or points of view that are so different from each other that they cannot be made compatible.
My husband and I cannot be made compatible right now. No matter what I say or do, our views are so different that, for now, we cannot come back together. And it is unreal how much it hurts.
If I look deep in my soul, which I have been doing a lot of lately, I realize there is still a shred of hope deep within me. I am still praying for a miracle. But I know none of this is up to me anymore.
So as I wait for time to heal, I recognize that I am unbelievably raw. This is all still so new. I know all of that. And yet, yet I still need to get these initial feelings out. These words that are holding my heart hostage need space to breathe. These are the words that will help me continue to heal.
My heart hurts more than it ever has. It hurts for my marriage, my husband, our son. My heart is full of hurt, full of hope, pain, fear, strength, love, anger. The emotions flow throughout the days. The days are longer than ever now and the pain just keeps on coming.
But, and thank God there is a but, I can’t help but believe time will heal this, one way or the other. For I know that “in this wasteland where I am living there is a crack in the door filled with light. And it is all that I need to shine”.
So for now, now I am holding on to the light for dear life. I am holding on to words, music, beauty, people, God. It feels as if any moment my fragile heart and soul will crumble into oblivion.
But then I fight it. I fight the fear. I fight the despair. I fight using all the strength I have. I fight it for me, for my son, for all of us. I fight it because I know there is still light in the world. I guess I hope that there can still be light in my world, even through the darkness.
Four years ago today my husband and I were in the light. We were on our honeymoon in Bali. We were sharing our hopes and dreams and there was so much love between us. It is so hard to believe that that love is truly gone.
Even though I feel covered in darkness now, I know my light will shine through again one day. And 4 years from now I believe I will be in the light again. Maybe even sooner because my heart knows the truth.
The truth is that through all the pain and suffering, there is still hope and love and good in the world.
“Please don’t worry now. Because it will turn around”. Oh how I long for the day when I am on the other side of this pain, the other side of this confusion. I long for the day when my light shines bright and my heart is healed. Until then, I will fight to reach the light and trust that somehow, someway, this will turn around.
*song lyrics from Need to Breathe