It has been 40 days of fighting my way back to the light. I am finally starting to see the cracks of light I have been praying for and dreaming of. I still have a million pieces of me scattered, but I have begun to put the edges back together.
I am putting all my strength into being the healthiest, and eventually the happiest, version of me I can possibly be. My marriage ending will not define me. It will always be a part of me, but not the only part.
I have committed to the mantra, THIS WILL NOT BREAK ME, THIS WILL STRENGTHEN ME.
I have finally begun losing the baby weight my body was holding on to for the last year. Feeling healthy in my own body has been a game changer. I am reading my bible daily. I am writing up a storm. I am accepting my flaws and mistakes that I have made. I am learning from those mistakes.
I spend time outside with Owen daily. I exercise and spend time letting the sun give me fuel for the day. I pray. I talk with my friends and family. I am doing all the “right” and “healthy” things. And they are helping immensely.
But I also have given myself grace for when I break the rules. The rules I have put in my mind that say I need to be strong all the time and not be sad. The rules that say I can’t feel sorry for myself. The rules that say I have to keep moving forward.
I am working on letting go of those made up rules. I am working on just living each day, as it comes.
“Forget the rules and play by your heart”.
I think that was God and the universe reminding me to simply be me. That phrase on the wrapper of a Dove piece of chocolate the other day was a gentle reminder to love and trust my own heart. It was a gentle reminder to stop feeling what I should be doing, and just feel what I am doing.
So here’s where I am right now, 40 days after one of my biggest fears was brought to reality:
I am still alive. I am even beginning to thrive. I love God more than ever and trust him with all my heart. I am so thankful for my heart that forgives easily, as I think the quick forgiveness has made it easier to assess how I am truly feeling. I have so much love to give and I know I will and can keep on loving fiercely. My emotions exhaust me, but they are also what help me heal.
My feelings and emotions are like the tide. They come in an out each day, and in between there is a lot of thrashing about with some calm mixed in.
So to play by my heart means putting out my feelings without the fear of judgement or causing any hurt. Playing by my heart means being vulnerable and unashamed at my inner battles and doubt. It means being me and loving me for who I am at this exact moment and who I hope to be in the future.
Playing by my heart means choosing to share my journey in words with the world.
I have so much to learn about myself. And so much I want to work on. I am more of a work in progress now than ever before. But that’s what this life upset has taught me. I believe we were designed to make mistakes and learn from them. I have a lot of learning left to do.
So for the next 40 days, and the 40 after those, and on and on, I will keep playing by my heart. My heart was made especially for me, just like yours was made for you.
I know the pain will still be there. But I have a choice on whether I focus on it or not. Now, I choose to focus on the present and the future. I choose to let my heart and soul live my life out loud. I choose to believe in me and all that I am. I choose happiness.
And most importantly, I still choose love, in all of its forms.