I have always liked timelines, deadlines, upcoming events. My personality is the one that likes and wants to make plans for each day and for the future. But my current life scenario has me truly learning the meaning of taking one day at a time. My current situation has helped remind me more than ever before to be present and to trust God and the journey.
At some point each day, I sit with all of the feelings. Going through a divorce causes so many emotions; the obvious ones being sadness, confusion and hurt. But of course there is so much more to it than that. This process has led me on a journey of self-discovery. It has led me to find my strength and understand my worth. It has led me to acknowledge my flaws and insecurities and not shy away from them.
Each day I sit with the emotions and listen to what my truth is trying to say.
I have always had a partner. Since before I could technically even date, I have had a boyfriend. I think the longest I have been single since age 12 is a few months at the most.
It’s very obvious that one message this adjustment is telling me to do is to be still with myself. This new journey is telling me to enjoy being with just me. I am learning to be truly alone. Of course I have family and friends. But when I start my day and end my day, it is me (and Owen of course). But there is no more partnership. No security blanket to make me feel safe and loved.
I love myself. It has taken almost 30 years for me to say that statement and mean it with my full heart. I have always liked myself, but my marriage ending has forced me to think about who I am. And as I sit and pray and live, I realize I like who I am. But I also have flaws; a lot of them. But I have so much good too. And I love each piece of me; the flaws, the good, the frustrating and the I-am-working on it parts of me.
Sitting with the heartache is hard. It’s much less painful to try and not think about it. It’s much less painful to ignore all the mistakes I have made. There are moments when I simply want to cover up my wounds and move on.
But I know that’s not healthy. I know what’s healthy is doing everything I can do to sort through these feelings of my marriage ending, to sort through what happened and who I was during my marriage and who I am now outside of it.
I am working to sort through a 10 year relationship that broke before I felt I had the chance to fix it. I am working to sort through my baggage and figure out who I am as a person, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. I need to sort through all of my roles, all of my experiences and memories and see where I am at this very moment. And I need to think about my goals and dreams for today and tomorrow.
I have days where I feel like I can’t handle everything coming my way as a single and divorced mom at 29.
But then each morning the sun rises and reminds me of the light. Every day when I open my bible and devotional I see the hope. The days when Owen walks all over the house giggling and smiling and learning and the days when I see friends and do yoga and work and write. The days when I spend a lot of time with God. These are the days filled with hope and joy.
I am thankful for both types of days, for the good and the bad. I am sitting with both types of days and all the in between. I would have never asked for this pain to happen. But there is good coming from it. There is strength coming from it.
This divorce is now part of my story. I don’t know how my story ends. But I do know God is in it at the center. Owen is one of the stars of the story, along with my family and friends. And I am at the center, broken and beautiful all at once.