If I am honest with myself, I have known for a long time that I have trust issues. My biggest trust issues are with the two people I should trust the most: myself and God.
Because of doubt and insecurity, I have a bad habit of convincing myself that my feelings aren’t valid or healthy or normal or whatever negative thought I can seem to convince myself of in that moment. It has taken me years and years to figure out that it doesn’t have to be this way.
The answer was simple, but hard to remember and even harder to do sometimes: be still.
When I sit in the stillness and breathe and pray, I find my connection back to Him and back to myself. When I am still, I am able to really sit with my feelings and find the patience and trust I crave and need.
Obviously God knows I disconnect from him often and he still loves me. And I love him. But some days he and I dance around each other as I try and fight the stillness. Being still is painful sometimes because it causes me to face my fears. Being still is challenging too, because it requires time and patience.
I have started blocking off very specific times during the day to be still. My favorite time is in the morning with Owen. We sit and I drink my coffee and he plays and we simply are us, in the moment, right then, right there. Then in the middle of the day I pause and set a timer on my phone. That is my meditation and prayer time. Nights are hard sometimes, so my night stillness is crucial. Sitting down with a journal and a book is what helps me bring myself back to the present, back to the truth and back to trusting.
The more still I am, the more I seem to have the energy and strength I want and need to gracefully approach each challenge and task that comes my way right now. I have been so thankful lately for the time I have with Owen in our current season. Even though there are still battles I am fighting and healing from, when I turn my focus to thankfulness the healing seems to drastically increase in those moments. Being still reminds me to be thankful.
It is so easy to get lost in fear and turn my focus to the stress and frustrations of life. But then I take a breath. And then I pray. And with those two simple actions I am connected again. With a simple and natural action, I am back exactly where I need to be; still and trusting, knowing that whatever comes next will eventually be made beautiful.