It is no secret that I am a big believer in therapy. What might be a little less known is that I have seen a therapist every single week for the last 5 months. If you are grieving, therapy is a beautiful and safe place to begin to heal.
Over the last 21 sessions, I have spent my time taking myself apart to my core and putting myself back together again, piece by piece. To be honest, I feel a little like Humpty Dumpty. This rediscovering of myself has been glorious and agonizing all at once. This part of my journey is one that I am so thankful for, as it has helped me understand myself, marriage, human nature, my faith, grief and life more than I ever have before.
As I have begun to put the old me back together with the present me, I have rediscovered the light from the stars above and within me.
I have always known the stars were above me. Most nights I will go out and look for them so that I can feel blanketed and hopeful in their presence.
The night sky has always made me feel peaceful; the stars help remind me that we are all under the same heaven and the same sky. Sometimes I wonder if the stars are meant to give us a glimpse of the light from heaven.
During my teenage years I went to church camp and loved it for a variety of reasons. But the biggest reason was the feeling I had while at camp. It was a feeling of safety, a feeling of warmth, peace and pure and unconditional love. Later I began to understand that it was the feeling of God within me.
Over the years as I went to college and moved away from my home, I lost that feeling and went searching for it. I would find it in yoga or relationships or accomplishments or experiences. I could almost always find the feeling in nature. But I had lost the internal feeling of peace, the feeling the stars used to give me.
I would never have thought a divorce would bring back the stars. But with God guiding me, I have found the stars again. I am pretty sure they were always within me, simply waiting patiently to shine. I just needed to be the rawest I have ever been to see and feel them.
While I continue work in therapy and continue writing, developing relationships and my faith, I know I will continue to rediscover the stars. I look forward to getting to know the new and steady light within me and to be able to see the light even more clearly in others.
There are over 100 billion stars in the sky. That number feels infinite. And that means there is an infinite amount of light within me, and within all of us. For me, it simply took cracking to rediscover my light.