I have always appreciated the lessons I have learned in pain and heartbreak. As awful as some of my lessons have felt, without the sadness I wouldn’t understand pure joy. As I continue learning life lessons, I’m figuring out that you can experience sadness and beauty all at once.
Today was a day of beautiful sadness. Today I was reminded that beauty does come from ashes. Today was the day I began to truly let go and say goodbye to my marriage.
For the last 5 months, I have held on to a hope that hearts could still change. I have held on to forgiveness and grace. I have been in a limbo of holding on while also trying to let go. Because we still hadn’t signed papers, there was a crack left in the door to our marriage. I was holding on to a hope that my family of 3 was meant to stay together.
Today, I let that hope go. Today I accepted that my family of 3 is not going to be the way I had hoped and imagined. This week we will sign papers saying goodbye to this chapter in our lives.
But I still have hope, it just looks a little different. My hope exists because even in the sadness of today, I felt grace and experienced beauty.
I felt grace at church this morning as loving and tender women prayed over my heart. I experienced beauty today as Owen and I spent the afternoon taking pictures outside with sweet friends. I felt grace and unconditional love this evening as God reminded me of the family I have found in my neighbors and my community of friends.
I ended a hard day with love as I rocked my son to sleep. I’m so very thankful for the experience of my marriage. Because I not only learned many life lessons about love and myself, but I was given the most beautiful gift of all: our son.
I still believe there is love meant for me to have again, even if I don’t know when or how. I also know that I am going to have more sadness and pain in life. Unfortunately that’s the way it works sometimes.
In that sadness though is the truth and trust that God promises beautiful things. The most beautiful promise of all is love. In my almost 30 years, He has followed through on that promise every day.
It has taken me awhile to trust Him again. But my trust is there now. God never left me, I just wasn’t ready to hold Him in my heart the way He deserved. I know that this divorce being part of my story will in some ways always be heartbreakingly sad. It wasn’t anyone’s plan. It’s aching and hard and painful and so, so sad. But there’s healing in my story.
I share my story for hope and for Him. Because faith and love and community are what have helped me begin to heal. I share my story to speak truth and to continue to be vulnerable and honest. Most importantly, I share my story to honor the truth that beauty really can rise from ash.