My dad and I were reflecting on our respective milestone birthdays last night: 30 and 60. Our family had been planning and dreaming for years, knowing that 2015 was going to be a big year for me and for dad birthday wise. What we obviously didn’t know in the same year was that my marriage would end and my career would look different and changes seemed to continue happening left and right.
One of the aspects I have always enjoyed about family vacation are the conversations. The vacation environment has felt as if it allows for us to have the time to have conversations that wouldn’t naturally occur over a quick catch up on life session on face time or over the phone.
As dad and I were talking about life I asked him about a favorite age. My dad is always game to have these types of conversations and I appreciate that a lot about him. His mom, my grandmother, was the same way. I could ask either of them big life questions and if they didn’t have an answer they would at least be willing to talk about it.
So as our Miami and Key West birthday trip came to a close and dad and I sat and reflected on our ages, I realized something really important about my upcoming age of 30.
I realized that I am excited to turn 30 because of how it makes me feel: comfortable.
It’s funny because in many ways right now my life is the most uncomfortable it has been in years. I am a newly single mom, going through a divorce after having quit my job to stay home. There was a lot of unexpected change in a short amount of time in my life. And yet (almost) 30 feels comfortable.
As a 30 year old I feel (almost) comfortable in my own skin. I feel comfortable in knowing that I will always have to work at my weight but that I enjoy exercising when I have the energy. But the comfort comes with knowing that I have goals and they are attainable with time and perseverance. I feel comfortable knowing that my fashion sense will change and clothes don’t matter near as much as I thought they did 10 years ago. What does matter is feeling beautiful inside and out. Classic clothes and classic makeup seem to be my thing and I’m comfortable with that. I feel beautiful and proud and strong. And that is such a comfort because I haven’t always felt that way.
I feel comfortable in my sense of self. I no longer feel the need to hide. Yes, I will still battle insecurities and doubt. But there is a comfort in knowing that my confidence is building with age.
Faith has become a comfort on which I rely. God and I have gotten to know each other really well through this divorce. And it has been beautiful. I know that all of this comfort is coming from Him and that leaves me feeling so peaceful and so full of trust.
I am comfortable as a momma. When I landed head first into mommahood 17 months ago, I felt overwhelmed and like I was facing an impossible task. Now, being with Owen and teaching and learning with him brings me so much joy. The love I feel for him is indescribable and he is my comfort every morning when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep.
I find comfort in the unknown now. In fact I’m excited about it. I have no idea what the future holds. But I know there will be adventure, words written, guitar lessons, travels, friends and church and a lot of love and joy.
Thirty has helped me embrace something so simple yet so necessary; 30 has helped me embrace my most comfortable and honest sense of self. I have felt more authentic, more vulnerable and more growth as 30 approaches than I did in my twenties.
As a new decade begins for me, my heart knows I am in exactly the right place for me and my journey. I am learning to truly love myself, which allows me to be able to love others that much more.
I am learning that I am a work in progress and always will be. I know I want to continue to strive to better myself for my son, my people and the world. As painful as some of my experiences have been, there has been wisdom and growth gained in every experience.
So 30, thank you. Thank you for the comfort and wisdom you have provided with age and experience. I can’t wait to see what’s next.