Wednesday nights are still painfully hard. I thought they would get easier as time went on, but I’m not so sure they will. Wednesday nights Owen and I are separated and it feels so very unnatural.
Living in separate households but raising a child together is one of the hardest, most heartbreaking and challenging things I have had to do in my life. But I know that heartbreak and challenges lead to discovery and growth.
This heartbreak of mine has also led to unexpected love in my life.
After Owen left tonight I ran an errand to pick up some medicine. While waiting in line there was a toddler being a toddler. This little boy and I made faces at each other and my heart filled with love for this toddler that was a stranger.
This little boy was a reminder of Owen even when Owen and I were apart. I believe life has signs and lessons for us, if we are willing and open to listening and learning. This little boy in the CVS line was my lesson tonight.
I have a space in my heart where there used to be a certain kind of love. That space causes a lot of pain and ache and confusion. But one thing I know for sure is there is still so much love in my heart and it needs a place to go.
I think that’s part of the confusion in my life right now. I have so much love and sometimes it doesn’t know where to go. Owen gets all the love, of course. And so do my family and friends.
But there’s a part of me that doesn’t know where the extra love is going to end up. I still believe it will end up with another partner. But for now, while this love is circling around inside me, it gets brought out in unexpected ways.
Tonight it was brought out to a stranger, a sweet little boy that was frustrated about waiting in line. Over the last 6 months this love has surfaced in surprising and unexpected ways. It has been brought out in my new job while I love on babies at the preschool a few days a week and it has been brought out in friendships, old and new, that help sustain me.
This unexpected love has led me to fall in love with myself again and in doing so, I have found parts of me I had forgotten.
My love of music has been rediscovered and I am learning guitar. My passion for reading was reignited and books are strewn all over my house again. I fell in love with running, which was one of the most unexpected loves of all.
Losing a love I never thought I would lose will always be part of my story. But so will gaining more love that was unexpected.
I think God gives us moments like what I experienced tonight with my new toddler friend as gifts and gentle reminders. These simple moments remind us that even in pain, there is love.
So on a night that is painful, I fill it with love and hope. I know I won’t always be alone on Wednesday nights.
As I sit here strumming love into my guitar I can feel the love growing. I’m grateful for the music that fills my empty house. It reminds me there can still be joy even in sadness.