I had it all figured out. We would be happy with this new plan. Life would be full of joy and simplicity and love. After agonizing and praying and journaling and seeking, I knew I had finally made the decision. I knew I was supposed to walk away from my full time career. My traditional teaching job was to be put on pause.
A year ago I was taking a leap of faith but it was a plan I was ready for and a plan that made me feel in control. A year ago I really believed this new plan was all I wanted, and it was all I could think about.
A year ago I imagined this time now as a time filled with gratitude and an appreciation for a slower paced life than what I was living while teaching full time and being a momma.
A year ago I was in control, or so I thought.
It took my plan crashing and burning for me to finally admit and accept that at 30 years old yes, I have choices in life, but the bigger plan is not up to me.
My plan officially went in place last May. And then my world crumbled just a few weeks later in June when he left.
It’s been almost 7 months. In a lifetime, that is not much time really. But time has felt so strange as I adjust to this new life. I watch Owen on super speed growing up, but my heart still feels stuck sometimes.
I look at our house and some days still think of it as our house, not my house. Life feels the same in a few ways, but then extraordinarily different in every other way.
I think it’s taken me so long to accept my new life because I didn’t choose it.
I didn’t get to make my usual list of pros and cons. I didn’t get advice from loved ones on which decision to make. I didn’t read books on the subject or seek out answers on what to do.
In this new life I wasn’t given a choice.
But maybe that’s how I needed it to be. Maybe this new life is exactly what was supposed to happen, I just didn’t want to see it.
I didn’t want to believe that brokenness and pain were supposed to be a part of my journey.
But I have a choice now. I have a choice to accept and let go and embrace the unknown.
7 months. Soon it will be a year. And then 5 years. And eventually I will be living a life I wouldn’t have recognized a year ago. 7 months in and its already so different. That’s how life works I think.
It’s the accepting part that’s so very hard. It’s being at peace in the unknown that feels so foreign to me.
It’s trusting that there is something beautiful around the bend, as long as I wait patiently for it to come to me.
This wasn’t my plan. But maybe this new plan isn’t what I wanted, but exactly what I need.