There’s no doubt that over the last year I have been fighting my way on and off through a season of struggle mixed with a season of healing and growth. Long days of winter didn’t do me any favors while I continued to heal from heartbreak.
Dishes sometimes still pile in the sink, laundry just gets transferred back and forth from basket to basket and many moments as a single parent still feel overwhelming. It was during the overwhelming moments of exhaustion and feeling so emotionally drained that I would wonder what love would look like in my life again.
My brain would fill with memories of loving experiences in my past that felt safe and peaceful.
Over the last year it has been a struggle to feel safe at times. I struggle with the doubt inside my head telling me I won’t ever fully heal.
I have learned to fight that doubt. And I fight it with love.
But as Valentine’s Day just came and went, I couldn’t help but miss a romantic love in my life.
And I realized as I was missing that romantic love, I was missing a part of myself. I couldn’t help but think of the Top Gun song as a lightbulb clicked; I had lost my loving feeling.
You see, I am a romantic by nature. I crave love stories and cry at books and movies filled with love. I love hearing people talk about their proposals or their wedding day. Even through divorce, I have held on to the deep and aching kind of love I dream of having one day.
I may not have it right away. But I have a feeling it will be coming soon. And as I venture back out into the world of dating, I am searching for my loving feeling again.
I pray for energy as I enter into a world I thought I would never be a part of again . I pray for patience and strength and trust as I walk through this new and vulnerable season.
But mostly I pray to remember that the best loving feeling comes first from myself and from God.
And the most beautiful thing? My prayers are answered. They are answered slowly and in small reminders like wind chimes chiming on my porch or sunshine warming my skin after a day full of cold and rain, or the best reminder of all, a kiss from my son.
My prayers to remember to love myself and find my loving feeling with me first are answered every day when I make the choice to keep on keeping on the journey to becoming the best version of me possible.
This is my season of unknown. But in the unknown, each day I get to begin again.
I am continuing to work on myself. Owen is continuing to grow in love, even if it isn’t in a home life that I dreamed for him. But I am starting to believe he really will be okay from all of this.
The morning keeps coming day after day. And with morning is the reminder that I am one day stronger.
I imagine myself stumbling up the switchbacks of a mountain. I go back and forth. There have been many sections of my climb where it feels as if I am making little progress.
But there’s light peeking through my journey. Light is my visual proof that I am making progress, it is just slow. There is a belief within me that I will make it to the peak. I will make it out of this valley of unknown and into a place of truth and love and light that stays consistent.
I will begin again. Even in the hard moments, I choose to begin again. Even on the hard nights when I go to sleep wondering how I will have the strength for another day, I begin again. And as I begin, I start humming “bring back that loving feeling.” Because I no longer believe that it’s gone.