Confession: I am an advice seeker. Any time anything happens in life, I immediately turn to friends and family for their opinions and advice. I think My personality is partly hard wired this way, and partly man made this way thanks to a therapist for a mother.
It’s a beautiful thing to involve your people in your life. It builds authentic relationships, establishes trust and gives perspective. But in my case, because it is my go-to reaction, it can also easily cloud my own thoughts, opinions, feelings and needs.
Over time, I have learned to find balance in involving my people in every aspect of my life. I have learned to be still first, before I immediately pick up the phone to ask someone their opinion. Through this last year of exponential growth I have learned to turn to God first.
The problem is sometimes God doesn’t give me an immediate answer; sometimes I can barely hear a whisper of his presence.
I started dating again. I took some time off. I let the dust settle from the legal aspect of the divorce. It didn’t settle long, but an opportunity presented itself and then I jumped back in. There were people in my life that said I needed more time. Maybe they were right. But maybe they weren’t. Either way, I’m in it and needless to say it’s scary putting myself back out there.
The thing is, I know my heart and my intentions. When I first started dating after my marriage ended, my intentions were purely out of loneliness and comfort. With time and healing and therapy, the truth is well, that’s all still there, but it is no longer my motivation for letting my heart try again. I think loneliness isn’t something that goes away completely. But I no longer felt as if I needed someone to be ok.
I finally felt like I was somewhat ready for whoever God was going to bring into my life. I am not sure if you are ever fully ready to jump back in, especially when hurt and fear are involved.
As I have eased slowly back in, I have pictured myself as a wild horse running in and out of the waves on the beach. I can feel myself bucking and thrashing as I run along the waves into the unknown of putting my heart back out there to potentially be broken all over again.
It’s really hard to be vulnerable after heartbreak. Honestly it’s terrifying. I see why wild horses run away. When I approach someone and consider opening my heart to them, there is a high probability of them rejecting it. Rejection is my fear. And facing fears isn’t an easy task.
The thing is, my natural instinct is to give people my heart, whether they have earned it or not.
This is where the taming of my wild horse heart comes into play.
Giving someone my heart again after the trauma of divorce is going to take time and faith and trust. It’s not going to happen overnight. It’s also not going to be a smooth transition. My heart has a lot of scars on it now; more scars than it has ever had before.
As I continue going deeper into the dating world, there are many moments where I want to run. I want to outrun the fear of rejection, and just be wild and free. But that’s not what my heart was designed for. My heart was designed to be shared and loved and give love in return.
Because my heart is wild and passionate and intense, I run into dating full force. I have learned through time, experience and perspective that easing in is much healthier in the long run for both parties involved. I have learned so many lessons with each experience and each person. I have figured out the most important lesson of all, which is to stay true to myself while also involving God in every aspect of the process.
There is a reason the verse from 1:Corinthians is so popular. We know love needs to be patient and kind. And I have to repeat that to myself over and over. I have the kind part down pretty well. It’s the patient part I struggle with. I want to gallop off into the sunset immediately. But God’s timing and my timing never seem to quite line up how I plan.
So as I wait patiently, I remind myself to let my heart run free. There’s a chance it may be hurt again. But there’s also a chance for love and that is so worth the risk.