It has been on my heart for months. I have subtly been hearing the same message over and over again: “be still”.
When I was a little girl my parents used to think I was going to grow up to be a lawyer; between my stubbornness and verbosity, I would talk myself into anything. These traits of mine can be both helpful and harmful, dependent upon the situation.
Lately, my stubbornness has caused me some unnecessary pain. My inner stubborn side convinced myself I was ready to date again. My mind would say things such as: I have been in weekly therapy for a year, I am very much in touch with my feelings, I know what I want in a partner, I may never be fully healed from the divorce so I just need to go for it.
The fact that I was having to convince myself I was ready is a problem in itself.
The man I most recently dated had a saying he used, “God said ha”. I can’t help but think of the irony that this is one of his favorite sayings, and it is exactly how I feel right now.
The day after I wrote about beginning to date again, God said ha. The timing wasn’t right for him. But I had convinced myself it was right for me and I was heartbroken.
Last night a close friend came over to assess the damage of another heartache. We acknowledged that it was quite crazy that I was so heartbroken over this short term relationship. But because I feel things so intensely, it is often a challenge for my head and heart to catch up with each other.
As we were processing and talking, my friend reminded me I haven’t let my heart truly heal from the divorce. Yes, I have accepted it. Yes, I have moved on. But no, I haven’t healed. Dating was just putting bandaids over a wound that needs the space and time to truly heal.
God has been asking me for awhile now to be still with him. But I stubbornly continued to say no, partly because I was scared, and partly because I was convincing myself I could do both- heal and move on at the same time.
When you begin to open your life and your heart to someone and truly be present and authentic, you have to be the healthiest version of yourself. In dating prematurely, I was continuing to stunt my growth and was not the healthiest version of myself.
One of the biggest problems I have struggled with in all my relationships is the codependency pattern I immediately fall into. I know better, and yet I continue to do so. I base my happiness on my relationship.
There’s a phrase that has become a favorite of mine as I continue on my journey: “Whatever sets your soul on fire, do that”.
That mindset has helped me make decisions in my life as far as my career, buying a house, finding a church, traveling, writing and on and on.
Love majorly sets my soul on fire. Just the idea of sharing my heart with someone and growing together ignites a passion within me. So for the last few months especially, I have been striving to obtain that feeling.
That has been the problem. I am striving. I am forcing. I am not allowing it to happen naturally. I am not even ready for it to happen. How do I know? Because it isn’t happening naturally, because I don’t feel a peace about it and because I know my heart is still mending.
The hardest part in my journey is that I convince myself I have found “the one” and have to hold on for dear life. That’s not how love actually works. When I find my person, I won’t be striving and pushing. We will naturally fall into a rhythm that works for both of us. The timing will be right. Communication will come naturally and most importantly, God will be at the center. This doesn’t mean it will be easy. But it definitely won’t be forced either.
I have so much healing and growing to do. This all takes time. I am impatient. This is not a good combination. But God, I am finally listening to you. I am finally doing what you have been asking me to do for months.
So here it is: No more dating until I am truly ready. No more striving. For real this time. I am holding myself accountable to this honest truth: God and I need some alone time together.