I don’t want to be a worrier. In fact, I work hard to fight against my natural tendency to worry. Since becoming a single mom, I have had two main worries: Owen and my love life.
Because I am a natural worrier, my focus shifts from concern over my relationships to concern over Owen. Since I am taking a dating hiatus, my concern over the impact of the divorce on Owen’s life is more present in my mind. It doesn’t help that he is getting older and going to start asking questions eventually about the divorce.
Owen and I had the opportunity to go to Disney World this last week. When he was born, I imagined a million family trips. But I never imagined it would be just me and him as a family.
When the idea of Disney first came up, my initial thought was fear. Mickey and fear don’t typically go together. But in my journey right now, family activities are harder. It is at family activities that I am faced with the glaringly obvious: it’s just me and my son, no dad around. It’s at these activities that I fight loneliness and my own insecurities.
I constantly feel like my ring finger is too obviously empty, that people stare wondering what my story is and why I’m alone. A lot of this is in my own head of course. It’s an inner battle I am continuously working on, the battle of being okay on my own.
The thing is, I’m not alone. I know I’m in good company. I have so much love in my life that I am beyond grateful for. I also know every person on this Earth has their own battle to fight. Mine just happens to be single motherhood right now.
Single motherhood is nothing new. But the difference is, it’s still new to me. And it’s hard to feel like I’m not enough sometimes. It is getting easier in some ways and harder in others. I worry about potty training a boy without a dad around every day. I worry about him feeling loved and safe when I am struggling or when he is being carted back and forth between houses. I worry about him asking questions about why he has two houses. I dread the day he asks why daddy doesn’t live with mommy.
But gratitude is teaching me to stop the worrying, stop the dreading. Gratitude and self love are teaching me that I am enough for me and for this little boy.
I will probably always long for a husband and more children. I don’t see myself ever letting go of that hope and dream. In fact, I believe in my heart of hearts that it will happen. But it is obviously not happening on my timeline, which is necessary even though my stubborn self wants to hurry this process of healing along.
So for now and for the future, Owen and I going to Disney or doing any “family” activity without a husband/dad is something I am embracing. Because Owen and I are a family, just the two of us.
The best part is that we have so many people in our lives that love us. Owen and I didn’t go to Disney with just the two of us. My mom, the best Grammie in the world, joined in on the fun. God has given me and Owen the gift of amazing family and friends to support us along this journey.
I believe with all my heart that God provides what we need. I may not be getting what I want right now, but I sure am getting what I need. I am being provided with opportunities to grow and strengthen daily. I am being reminded over and over again that life may not always be easy, but there is no doubt it is always worth it.