Coloring Outside the Lines

He walked out of the room repeating the colors over and over again.

His natural instinct was to view the beauty and then move on to what was next. 

I am learning in life it is a struggle for humans at any age to simply be still in the moment, myself included. But the beauty stayed with him long after he walked away.
He wasn’t even yet 2 and his fascination was catching.

He is without a doubt my son; curious and talkative and affectionate and adventurous and bold and cautious all at once. 

I am convinced that everyone needs a toddler in their life. Toddlers view the world through its original design; they view the world as beautiful and safe and full of wonder and love.

My own perspective is constantly changing as I view the world through his eyes and as I view it through the eyes of a woman whose life turned out completely different than what I had originally planned and dreamed.

Perspective changes everything.

I am continually amazed at the back story of art, music, literature. When you go to read the biography of the artist you are seeking, many times they have at some point experienced profound pain that led them to a new life; a self discovery of sorts that inspired their art. 

Pain produces beauty.

I used to think beauty produced beauty. Now I have realized its the combination of beauty and pain, mixed with passion. It’s a passion that was given to us as a gift.

For awhile, I let life and insecurities tamper down my passion. I became so engrossed in the details of life; I became engrossed in my life’s resume. 

I focused on being a successful teacher, a successful wife, a loving mother. My passion became my accomplishments. I played it safe and gave in to fear and comfort instead of passion and discomfort and change and growth.

My hair is blonde. I have always wondered what I would look like with blonde hair. But I didn’t want to look foolish, I didn’t want to attract attention to a bad decision.

But that is what I am learning in this new life of mine: To color outside the lines. 

I believe in the core of all of us is this deep desire to be loved and accepted. We learn at a young age that to be loved and accepted is to fit in, to be like everyone else.

But what if we weren’t meant to fit in? 

What if we were meant to shine bright? 

We were designed authentically, purposefully. 

We were designed to be different. 

But we have to be brave enough and vulnerable enough to seek out that purpose. 

In this last year of change, I have learned more about myself and this world and the people in it. 

I have learned that I am intense. And that’s ok. I have learned that I will change and grow daily. I have learned that I have a choice in how I react to life, how I choose to live. I have learned to embrace all of myself, insecurities and all. 

Most of all, I have learned that I am someone that loves to color outside the lines. Before, I was afraid to embrace that side of me. I hid my colorful side under the disguise of fitting in with the crowd. 

For the first time in my life, I am completely alone. And it is terrifying. But it’s also exhilarating. Because there is so much adventure and love and life to be lived. 

I made it through my first year as a single mom. I survived the complete upheaval of my life. And I am a better person for it. 

I would have never chosen this path. But thank God it chose me. Because I have been given the opportunity to grow and change like never before. 

I have been given a chance to become the best version of myself. The future is literally wide open. Bring it life. I’m ready. 

  

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