It Would Have Been Five Years

Today is the day. I probably would have made you breakfast and maybe we would have been on a trip together. We were always good at traveling. I think we would both agree that was when we were most at peace. Traveling was probably when we felt the most love in our marriage. 

On our second anniversary we went to Puerto Rico. And I remember us talking about a trip for 5 years. We both wanted to go to Spain. 

I’m not sure when it happened in our marriage, but we stopped dreaming together. One of the greatest joys in life is dreaming and wishing and hoping. I have found that joy again. I hope you have too. 

Last night someone asked me how long we were together. A decade. I spent a third of my life with you. 

I don’t regret it. Not a minute of it. 

After the divorce, I thought I would have regrets. If only I had done this, or we had done that, maybe we could have saved it. Or maybe we would have never started it to begin with. 

But thank God we did start our journey together all those years ago. 

That journey brought us our beautiful, funny, kind and loving boy. 

There are still many moments when this all feels so surreal. We were together for so long that you became part of my muscle memory. 

But over the last 13 months as each milestone passed, Owen and I made new memories. Without you. 

That feels painful and final doesn’t it. Without you. We are living life without you. We have new people in our lives you have never met, new adventures you will never be a part of. And in many ways that is heartbreaking. 

But it’s also so beautiful. Because maybe, just maybe, we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. Living life apart, but still connected by this beautiful boy of ours. 

I often imagine what it will look like as he gets older. More than likely he will have four parents, just like me. That just means he will have more love. And I’m more than ok with that. 

Admittedly, it has taken me awhile; this major life adjustment after such a shock. This adjustment to being a divorced mom to a toddler. 

But I’m finally ok with all of it. Yes, I still get sad for what could have been. I still worry about what this will do to Owen. But I am learning to let go of the worry, let go of what could have been. 

Because I know there is so much joy and hope for what is and what will be. 

So on the day we married 5 years ago, I wish you nothing but peace. I wish you nothing but love. Because we may no longer be married, but we still have love between us. He’s 25 pounds and sitting right next to me watching Mouse. 

  

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