I cleaned my fridge today. I took everything out and wiped down the mess that had spilled well over a year ago. I should be embarrassed it took me this long to clean it. But instead of embarrassment, I am choosing empowerment and joy that it is finally clean.
Since adjusting to my new life in the last year, it has often felt as if I am fighting to stay afloat. I not only put a lot of pressure on myself, but I also have no choice as I am the sole adult in my household now to care for myself, Owen, our house and our two crazy dogs.
For a long time I wanted a pity party. I wanted help and for others in my life to recognize how hard this was, being a single mom and healing from the trauma of divorce.
Here’s what I have learned and am reminded of daily: we all struggle, every single one of us. We all have good days and bad days. I am learning more and more that life doesn’t seem to be left to chance, but that we also have choices. We have a choice in how we act and respond to what life brings our way.
Through my divorce I have been too tired, too scared, too hurt, too everything to take responsibility in some ways for my new life. I wanted someone to come rescue me. Specifically, I wanted a man to come help fix it all and say it was going to be okay and he was here to save the day and take care of me and Owen.
I felt I was owed someone coming to save me for what I had been through. Oh man, how wrong I was.
I believe with all of my heart that I will find love again. And I will find it when the timing is right.
But I know now that am not going to find a prince on a white horse to rescue me.
In fact, I don’t want to be rescued. Before, I wanted someone to help financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Sure, all of that still sounds nice.
But Owen and I are finally thriving on our own. I no longer want the knight. Now, I want an equal.
I want a partner. I want someone to enrich my life, not save my life.
Saving my life over the last 13 months has been up to me and God. I have been working hard this year to get to this point. I am still climbing the mountain that has been set out before me.
I know I will make it to the peak and be the strongest I have ever been. I also know that at some point another mountain is looming in the distance.
Unfortunately, the world is full of heartbreak and hard things and they do just keep on happening. The beauty is that there is still joy in the midst of pain. And there is always, always, always hope.
I have held on to hope since day one. But I have learned lately to let go of the bitterness that tries to fight against hope. I remember reading a quote that simply said, “You can get bitter or you can get better”.
I have held on to those words as Owen and I make a life for ourselves and our new version of family.
Our life is by no means easy. No ones life is. But it is becoming more and more beautiful by the day. And I am so grateful. More grateful than I have ever been. Because I have seen the darkest days and I know that even in the darkest moments, there is always light trying to break through.
I am still holding on to meeting my prince charming one day. Only now, I will already be up on my own horse, waiting for him to join me side by side.