I find myself reminiscing in my mind, recalling old memories that should be too painful to bring to the surface. Memories of love and safety and a marriage that I had planned on lasting forever.
What surprises me most is that it is not always painful to transport myself back to those memories. Instead, I find myself feeling loved and comforted in the present as I reminisce, just as I did in the memories of the past.
You can hear the obsession in the topic of my conversations with loved ones. You can find it written in blog posts, words scribbled in journals questioning, praying, hoping.
Since my marriage ended, for the longest time I wanted nothing more than to be remarried.
In my mind, marriage equals love and safety.
As you may have heard me say or read or simply inferred, I wrongly believed that a new marriage would bring me the grounding and peace and love I have been searching for.
I am so grateful that my forever person hasn’t come into my world just yet. It wouldn’t have been fair to them to be in a relationship with where I am currently with my emotions and healing.
As I do the work on myself, I have become tired of the one track mind I have allowed my thoughts to latch on to.
With each new breath, I work to let go of the past and embrace the present and pray for the future.
As each day passes, I am one day further from my old life. And yet my old life still surrounds me as I build this new life for me and Owen.
Gratitude and hope are what have helped me survive this last year. But roots and wings are what have helped me flourish and thrive.
Every day that I wake up in a house that is both part of my old life and new life, a place I have worked hard to make a home, I find my footing in the old and the new.
My community brings me so much joy and support. They help ground me like I have never been grounded before. This community of mine is a mix of people that have known me both married and single. Some people have never met Owen’s dad. That is both comforting and strange.
Adventure has changed me over the last year. I lost my sense of adventure for a bit. It came back to me, and beautifully so, like anything worth waiting for does.
I am learning with each day that life isn’t the safe place I once hoped it to be. People change, jobs change, health changes, everything changes.
God remains. Which means authentic love remains.
That truth alone sustains me.
In my new life I am often grasping for things that sustain me. It feels as if since that night in June I have been fighting my way back to the surface to find my footing on solid ground.
Only recently have I felt the hope of breathing new, fresh air; air no longer stale with the pain of the past.
It’s a strange feeling, both having to live parts of my old life and working every day on building a new life.
But it is also a beautiful feeling because it means I am healing. It means life is moving on and more love awaits.
Instead of obsessing about marriage, I am working to let go of obsessing in general. I am working to trust God and trust myself. I am working to be the best version of myself.
I see the beauty in the simplest things now, moments I would have missed had I not been changed by divorce.
I see the beauty in the fighting to reach the surface. The floundering has allowed me to see sights along the way I would have missed. I learn more and more that there is joy amidst the pain.
I have a long way to go. There are still many moments when it feels as if I am still being sucked back under. But now I know I can find my way back to the surface.