The Best Version of Me

I find myself looking at pictures often. I love capturing memories and the joy that life brings.

I love that pictures show different emotions, different seasons of life. I can look at a picture and instantly be transferred back to that time and place.

One of the first things I notice in pictures is my weight. My weight has been a constant obsession for years. In many of these pictures my weight has fluctuated.

Like most females, I have spent a good portion of my life concerned about my physical body.

As a kid, I was a year round athlete. I played all the sports and then swam in the summer. I could eat Oreos all day long and not gain much weight.

But as a preteen I remember feeling pudgy. I wasn’t. But there was always someone smaller, someone more toned. Life lesson: There will always be someone in better shape than you.

As a teenager I had curves. They were beautiful and healthy and just right. But again, I felt I needed to be skinnier, I needed to look better in a bikini. Even at a size 6 I felt I was too big.

It breaks my heart that in so many of my memories I have not felt at peace in my body. I have wasted a lifetime of worrying about the wrong things. Actually, I have spent time wasted simply worrying when there was nothing to worry about.

The best I have felt in my body is when I run or practice yoga, or lately shooting baskets. I see my muscles working and remind myself I was meant to move.

I struggle to feel good in my body now after the work my body did to grow Owen. I struggle even more after the rejection of divorce.

Loving myself has often been an uphill battle that sometimes feels impossible to climb.

But what I am learning is that it is not just my body that matters. My spirit is what effects my body the most. When I am stressed, I eat. When I want comfort, I eat.

But when I feel calmer, when I feel most at peace with life, I tend to want to exercise and eat healthier.

In my most grounded moments, I write and pray, two of the healthiest things for my soul.

One of my biggest lessons that I continue to learn in this journey of single motherhood is that change and healing take time.

I put pressure on myself to be the best version of myself right this very minute. If I can get down to my goal weight, have enough money in my back account, be helping people regularly, have a clean house, and on and on, well then everything will be just right.

If I can just get to the right everything, well then all the hurt will go away. 

I am not sure that there will ever be a moment where everything will be just right. But I know that if I continue to push myself, continue to stretch myself to the very best version of me, well that is my purpose and that is where I will feel the healthiest and the most grounded.

If I am the best version of me, then I will be the mom I want to be. If I love myself, then I will be able to love another partner the way that God intends for us to love.

Life is truly a work in progress. For everything there is a season. But in every season I believe we can continue working to be the best versions of ourselves, one day at a time.

As I continue to foster my love of picture taking, I am working hard to notice less of the size of my clothes and more the size of my smile. Because with peace, comes true joy.



4 thoughts on “The Best Version of Me

  1. The truth is that you can push yourself to be the thinnest, the prettiest, the most successful until it goes too far. I’ve pushed and pushed and find myself entering treatment for an eating disorder. I’m thin, almost repulsive, and it’s still not enough. I left a job that made me happy for a better opportunity and I miss the lower paying, fun job. You’ve spoke to the real issue here, being okay with yourself. Congratulations on the hard work, keep it up!


    1. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Praying treatment heals and helps. It is so very hard to find the balance we are all searching for in this world. Thank you for reading!


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