I almost made it. I made it 4 1/2 months out of the 6 months of my dating hiatus.
And then life happened and maybe I am ready to date again?
I want to be the girl that is the laid back, casual dater; the one that is excited about meeting new people and takes it all in stride. The one that Huffington Post writes the healthy dating articles about.
But realistically, I am the girl that checks her phone way too often, obsesses over whether or not he is “the one”, and wonders what God thinks about all of this.
Certain questions float through my head as I embark on this new journey; Am I really ready? Did I do enough work?
Truthfully, the answer is yes and no.
I have learned a lot about myself during this alone time. I know I still have a lot left to learn.
I have learned what I am searching for in a partner and how to love myself and love others well.
Most importantly what I learned is how to be truly single; to wake up alone and go to bed alone. And it hasn’t killed me yet. It is uncomfortable and sometimes lonely. But it is also empowering.
What I haven’t learned yet is how to get over the fear of being left.
Oh how that truth makes my stomach churn.
I want to be able to say I have it all figured out, that I’m stronger and more trusting and trust that when the right person comes along that fear will go away.
That may all be true. But it isn’t true for me yet right now.
You see, I want another child eventually. And I cannot imagine putting another child through another divorce.
I know Owen is going to be fine. His dad and I are doing the best we possibly can to co-parent together. But I also know he will have questions and confusion and hurt as he gets older and starts to see that his family looks a little different than his friends’ families.
I just can’t imagine doing this all again.
But then I remind myself I couldn’t imagine doing this the first time. I was adamant that I would never be divorced.
Yet here I am, divorced and doing my best to survive and thrive and grow.
So does the fear of being left go away? Truthfully, I have no idea. It seems impossible that it would ever go away completely.
But I know what I can trust is that even when the worst thing happens, when our fears become reality, we will be okay.
So as terrified as I am of facing this heartache all over again, I also have to trust that this time around I know I will be okay, regardless of the outcome.
And I hope and pray my next potential partner believes in marriage for life. Sometimes maybe all we can do to combat fear is hope and pray.