I imagine sitting on the peak looking out to a view so vast and stunning that words fail to describe its majesty. I worked tirelessly on the climb to reach the peak where I finally find rest. I’m all alone yet filled with a peace that passes all understanding.
Rest has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it’s the fact that raising a 2 1/2 year old mostly on my own is tiring or maybe it’s simply just that life can often feel like the ocean dragging me in and out of the waves each day. Or maybe it is simply that I can feel my world slowly shifting again with relationships and careers and more questions of what ifs.
Building in time for rest has lead me to continue to wonder why we don’t spend more time discussing the existential questions in every day conversation. Sometimes I feel as if I was meant to simply sit on the shore, watching the tide roll in and out and contemplate the meaning of life.
I stare off into the distance even now as I write and my thoughts run wild. My brain aches for answers to the questions that pester me incessantly. Sometimes it feels as if I am stuck in a perpetual existential crisis.
I joke that I wish my brain had an off switch. My thoughts tend to consume me to the point that I feel I have to come to a conclusion in order to get rest from the intrusiveness of my own mind.
After my divorce, I felt I had thoroughly disappointed God. I am a people pleaser by nature and to think I have disappointed anyone, let alone God, makes my heart hurt more than I can bare sometimes.
I have worked hard to go deeper in my faith and relationship with God over the last 2 years. I wish I could say that I have found the answers that I have been searching for and that the responses to my questions can be tied in a neat and pretty bow.
But alas, we all know life doesn’t work that way. Instead, I have come to the conclusion that for many things, I may never find the black and white answers I yearn for. Life offers no guarantees.
Life can feel bleak if we allow it to do so. We can work to achieve an impossible standard of perfection and when we continue to fall short, we feel defeated and rejected.
I’ve experienced the negative aftermath of working to obtain this impossible perfection.
I’ve walked away with bruises and scars that sometimes feel too deep to heal.
But I’ve also walked away with a truth about God and life. I’ve always felt in my core my one very undeniable truth is that God is love. If I can choose one solid thing to stand on, it is that love and truth. With that love comes an unconditional acceptance and the persistent love that chases after us even when we push away with every force possible.
I don’t know what my future holds in terms of another marriage or a new career path or even where I am going to be living as life unfolds.
But I do know that I can adjust my daily perception of life. I can look at it as exhausting and hard and filled with pain.
Or, I can choose to trust that I am loved unconditionally and that with that love comes hope and joy and peace.
With each new sunrise arrives a new opportunity; a chance to try again, a little stronger, a little wiser and a whole lot more hopeful. As much as I want to, I don’t actually get to know my future. But I do get to experience love daily in the present in its many forms. And for that, I am grateful.