Doubting God

Books surrounded me full of unique insights and well studied pages. To say that the personal library of Thomas Jefferson is majestic is unfair and inaccurate. Those books, his mind, are detailed, beautiful, and in some ways indescribable. As I stood in awe of his library, I wandered around simply trying to soak in the moment. I wondered if Thomas Jefferson had more answers simply because he read more.

Reading and writing feels as if it is the most natural way to process for me because it feels as natural to me as breathing. But when I choose to share my inner thoughts with the world, I am aware that my thinking shifts.

Because I naturally want to get my point across without offending; I think some writers take complete liberty in their words and worry less about offending and more about truth.

I want my words to help sort through hard truths, for both myself and others struggling.

In my every day life , I often talk about my relationship with God and its evolution throughout my life. As much as I do believe that our spiritual relationship is that of a personal nature, I also believe God gave us community and brains that naturally desire to think critically in order to provide the opportunity to share and grow and learn.

I am often hesitant to write about God, because I know that religion and spirituality is so significant to so many, and can easily offend if not worded appropriately.

So before I continue, my hope and prayer is that any time I use this platform to share about God, I pray that I never offend. Instead I pray that the words provide comfort or insight or a different way of thinking about things.

With that said, God and I have been talking a lot lately about doubting. I will be the first to admit that my faith is as strong as it has ever been, and also has more doubt than I would have expected for where I am in my journey.

I think I was under the assumption that once I committed to focusing my life around a relationship with God and lived my life in such a way, that the doubt would go away; that I would find a way to be so confident in my faith that I wouldn’t wrestle anymore with all of the questions that float through my brain. Of course I was so very wrong with this assumption.

The thing is, I think sometimes we struggle to talk about our doubt. It is incredibly vulnerable to admit you are unsure about something. It is uncomfortable and scary, because for me it feels as if I am doing something wrong if I doubt God.

But I believe that God wants us to admit our doubts, simply because that is opening the door for communication with Him. And I believe a relationship with Him is what matters most.

I have learned for me that it helps to acknowledge my own brokenness and weakness, and turn to God for help and comfort, even when He is the person I want to turn away from the most.

Where I get into trouble is when I turn to Him, and He doesn’t seem to be responding. Then what? Why would I continue to confide in someone that doesn’t seem to be listening? I come to Him doubting and confused, and sometimes leave with even more questions and uncertainties.

Truthfully, that is where I struggle the most. Because I don’t have a perfect answer. The only answer that makes sense to me, is because when I didn’t have God in my life I was so much more lonely and so much more anxious. When I didn’t have God in my life I was more self-absorbed and less loving. That’s not to say I don’t struggle with those issues now, because believe me I do. But before, when I would struggle it felt like in my darkest moments had nowhere else to turn. Now in my lowest moments, I sit down and pray or read verses that bring me comfort. And even though it’s not a perfect fix, I can confidently say it is far better than not having God at all.

The intellectual side of my brain struggles with my faith and doubts on a daily if not hourly basis. I have so many questions that are left unanswered. I read and study and read some more and yet have had to make peace with the truth that some of my questions won’t be answered in this life.

And if I’m being honest, I get frustrated with God because of the lack of answers. But I also believe God is patient and loving and understanding. So I’m pretty confident He can handle my frustration and doubts. I just have to remind myself to keep seeking him, even if I’m met with silence. Because it’s worth it for the moments I feel like He does talk back; for the moments (even if in some seasons of my life these moments are few and far between) when I feel at complete peace and know that no matter how many doubts or fears or questions I have, He is still there providing me comfort and hope.

Seeking God when I am doubting is often the hardest time to seek Him. But I’m pretty sure it’s also one of the most important times. Even when I don’t understand, even when I feel frustrated or hurt, I will fight for my relationship with Him. Because that relationship has brought me more peace and healing than I knew possible.