I’m Raising Him While He is Growing Me

I am sitting here waiting for Owen to wake up from his nap. Yes, he will be five this summer and he still naps. I like to think of it as a sweet gift God gave me because the first 18 months of his life he did not sleep through the night (like not even once).

Today, in the middle of the school and work week, we had an unexpected hooky day. It wasn’t necessarily a completely free day, because we are both sick which is why we had a free day to begin with. But after the doctor, loaded up on Motrin, we both felt okay to venture out in to the world for a bit.

And let me tell you, I savored today. Today was a reminder of where I started years and years ago. Today was the reminder that we really only have the present to live in and life comes and goes in seasons. Today was a reminder that I wish I had known on my hardest days: it really will be okay. You will smile again and you will enjoy life again.

Today as we sat at Subway with the sun pouring in I looked at this little boy sitting across from me and stared in awe. I still remember the ultrasound picture I carried around in my purse for those 9 months of his little legs growing. I was so proud of those legs inside my belly. And now here were those legs growing tall and lanky (and kicking me under the table might I add) getting ready to “graduate” preschool and go to big boy school.

I started writing because of motherhood. I felt this profound shift within my soul and knew that I had to share the journey in words that I was experiencing. Writing connected me to other mothers and gave me a community where I could ask weird questions about breastfeeding or hormone shifts. And then when my unexpected divorce happened, I wrote for therapy and connected to others going through a similar experience.

I believe now I write because it’s a part of who I am, it’s in my soul to let words flow freely. And I write to show the growth that happens.

Sometimes I barely recognize myself as a mom now at 33 vs my new mom self at 29. I was so nervous about Owen growing up, so worried I wouldn’t like the next phase as much as the last. Before my divorce, I was so worried about everything being quote unquote perfect. And then after everything changed, I was so concerned about us simply surviving.

I would have never, ever said it then, but going through that divorce broke me in a way I needed to be broken. It made me a better human, mother, daughter, partner and friend. Going through hard things allows us a choice. A choice to grow or to break. I’m thankful God gave me the strength to choose to grow.

So as I reflect back on our last 4 plus years I am not scared of continuing to grow, both for me and for Owen. Those articles that take over social media about how heartbreaking it is when your children are grown and gone used to make me panic, because I was so anxious that only mothering a young child was where the joy was like the articles seemed to claim. But I have decided to not give in to that fear of wishing for what once was or working to hold on to something that doesn’t let me or Owen grow.

Because as much as I loved Owen as a baby and toddler, I love him just as much now as an almost Kindergartner. And I’m trusting I will love him just as much as a teenager and adult too. Because through each of those phases, he’s still the little boy that had legs growing inside my belly. He’s still going to have the heart inside of him that says that “snuggling with mommy is what makes me happiest”.

And I am gifted the opportunity to be an even better version of myself, because I know from experience now that parenting him keeps me growing. And growing is such a gift. It gives us breath and life and hope and joy and strength and sorrow and foundation all wrapped into one beautifully messy life. So no, I don’t dread Owen growing up and missing these “glory days” of his childhood. Did I love today getting to play with my four year old and be covered in kisses and snuggles? Absolutely. Am I savoring these special days? Absolutely. But I’m trusting we will continue to have sweet days of playing hooky for the rest of our lives as mother and son. I’m trusting that motherhood never stops and that is such a beautiful gift we are given.