What I Want to Remember on the 2 Year Anniversary of My Divorce

It feels like a lifetime. It feels like yesterday.

Two years to the day have come and gone since my marriage ended. Truthfully, I have been anticipating and dreading this day for the last few months. I am overly sentimental, which can lead to beautiful and thoughtful moments, as well as painful ones.

 Today is a mixture of both. Because for a few minutes today, the beautifully unexpected happened. As Owen’s dad came to pick him up tonight, Owen asked to run around the house with me. The two of us have found a lot of joy simply running laps around our house. And tonight when it happened right before Owen transitioned from Mom’s house to Dad’s house, his dad captured the sweet moment on video.

 All three of us are in the video; Owen and I are running together with his dad cheering Owen on. The three of us were simply enjoying the moment of being a family.

 Two years ago I didn’t think moments like this would exist. I didn’t know what our family would look like once it came crumbling down.

 Piece by piece, we have rebuilt it. New people have been added. Hurt feelings are still being mended. I have still have quite a bit of healing and growing to do. Honestly, I know the growing never stops.

 If I were to pick one quote that could summarize the lessons and growth I have experienced since the divorce it would be a quote I chose 14 years ago for my senior yearbook page. It is the simple, but firm encouragement by Winston Churchill to “never ever, ever, ever, ever give up”.

 Tonight, I want to remember how far all three of us have come. I want to celebrate what God has graciously given us: a new version of family. And I want to remember to never give up, no matter how hard or impossible something may seem. 

 When my divorce happened, I thought I would be forever broken. There is a part of me that will always have scars from the pain caused by the divorce. But the truth is, this divorce strengthened me more than I could have imagined.

 Living on my own for the last 2 years as a single parent has by far been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have had to learn to grieve and put my pieces back together, while doing my best to parent a young child who deserves nothing but love and my best self.

 I have had to learn to slowly open up to giving my heart to someone else, knowing I am risking an immense amount of hurt again. I have had to learn to be okay with the unknown and truly trust when both God and Bob Marley say, that ‘every little thing is gonna be alright’.

 It has taken 2 years to get to this point. Thinking back, I realized in the beginning I took a lot of selfies. I think I wanted to document who I was as this new person, a single mom to a newborn finding my way in the world. I think I wanted to document both the struggle and the strength.

 I don’t take as many selfies anymore. I think I feel less of a need to document this new version of me. Because I think after two years, I have finally settled into who I am. Yes, I am a single mom. But God has helped show me I am so much more than that.

 So tonight, in memory of this two-year anniversary, I took another selfie. It is a selfie that shows sweaty, flawed, runners high, vulnerable, scared, strong, beautiful, compassionate, loving, imperfect me.

 And in this very moment, I am so grateful for the grace God has shown me to help me heal so that I can openly love myself and others well. I definitely don’t do it perfectly. But I will also never ever, ever give up trying.